(theme music) ♪ (Carol) Thank you.

♪ Welcome to our show.

Thank you.

Nice group.

This evening, we have with us Harvey Korman, Lyle Waggoner, Vicki Lawrence, and our special guests are Tim Conway and Pearl Bailey.

(applause) Let's turn up the lights and see if y'all have anything you want to talk about or say before we get started.

Yes, uh-huh.

(Jim) Carol, I just want to say you look beautiful and I'm madly in love with you, and can I kiss you?

Well, first of all, what's your name, how old are you, and how rich are you?

(Jim) Well, I'm Jim, I'm 21.

You don't need any money, come on.

(laughing) Thank you, Jim.

That's very sweet.

(applause) (male speaker) My friend sitting next to me sort of has a thing about Lyle Waggoner.

I was wondering if he could come out and sort of say "hello" to her.

-What's your friend's name?

-Donna.

(Carol) Donna.

Hi, Donna.

You're too--you're too chicken to ask for yourself, huh?

You have a thing about Lyle Waggoner and you want him to come out and say hello to you?

Okay, I'll ask him to--Lyle, if you're within earshot, there's a very nice young lady who'd like to, uh, do whatever she can with you.

(audience laughing) -Yes.

-Can I kiss Harvey Korman?

You want to kiss Harvey Korman.

Yes, all right, I'll tell Harvey that he's got a hot one out here too.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Well, Tim Conway is left.

(Carol) Tim Conway is left.

(audience laughing) -Yes.

-I'll take Carol Burnett.

You'll take me.

Woo!

Okay, now who's for Vicki?

We've got to get one for Vicki now.

Oh, lots of 'em, yes.

The one sitting next to Donna wants Vicki, okay.

Well, I'll tell 'em all when we get back there, and I hope during a tape stop that they will come out.

I don't know why they shouldn't.

The young man up there.

-Do you have any pets?

-Do I have any pets?

Yes, I have three dogs: Phoebe, and her daughter, Fern, and we have a poodle named Jingles, and they're all potty-trained.

Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's The Carol Burnett Show, with Harvey Korman... (applause) ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ (applause) (dramatic music) ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ Good morning, madam.

It's a pleasure looking forward to another day of service to Nora Desmond, the greatest silent film star of them all.

(doorbell ringing) (applause) (Howard) Hello, I'm Howard Hastings, Hastings, Malone, and Johnson, the advertising company, and I'm here to talk to Ms. Desmond about possibly doing a television commercial for us.

-Come in.

-Come in, right, thank you.

Nice place.

(Max) How dare you suggest that madam do a television commercial?

Do you think that the great Nora Desmond would stoop to be a common saleswoman for Johnson, Hastings, and Malone?

(Howard) No, well, I've got to be running along now, so... -Shh.

On your feet.

-I am.

(Max) Madam is about to make her entrance.

(audience laughing) -Max?

-Yes, madam.

-Is there someone there?

-Yes, madam.

Good.

(audience laughing) (thudding) Max, is it Rudolph?

Uh, no, I'm-- (Max) Yes, Mr. Valentino is here.

-Rudolph!

-Howard Hastings.

At last you've come to beg my forgiveness!

Well, it's too late for that!

(audience laughing) Oh, Max... Max, I think we have a visitor.

-Yes, madam.

-Hello, who are you?

Is it Pierre, my hairdresser?

Yes, it is Pierre, my hairdresser.

Pierre, how dare you keep me waiting?

Ahh!

Light me, Max.

Too close.

Hello, who are you?

(Max) He is a tradesman, madam.

Mr. Hastings from Hastings, Johnson, and Malone.

(Nora) Come in, gentlemen.

(Howard) Yes, well, we were wondering if possibly you would be interested in doing a television commercial for us.

-Television?

-Television, madam.

It is a picture that comes on a small screen in the home.

(Howard) Yes, millions of people watch it.

(Nora) The screen.

Millions of people.

Did you hear that, Max?

Millions of people are demanding -my return to the screen.

-Yes, madam, you will be great.

You will run the gamut of emotion.

-Give me jealousy.

-Jealousy.

(Max) Love.

Anger.

Pity.

Fear.

(grunting) (Nora) I haven't lost it, have I, Max?

I have every nuance, yes, Max.

I won't disappoint my public.

I will do a great epic.

I will do Joan of Arc!

(Howard) Oh, well, we were thinking more of Knock 'Em Dead bug spray.

(Nora) I will demand a million dollars.

(Howard) Oh, well, we only have $250 tops on this one-- (Nora) Max, you will be my director again.

(Howard) Oh, well, Herbie down at the office -has done about ten... -No one will direct madam but me!

(Howard) Well, you were our first choice.

(Max) Yes.

We are ready for the first day shooting, madam.

-I'm ready.

-Ahh!

(screaming) (Howard) Yeah, well, folks, I guess we'd get right along with it.

I suppose you want a little makeup.

(Nora) Makeup?

How dare you?

(audience laughing) (applause) A strange little duck, isn't he?

(Max) Yes, Mr. Hastings, we would like to see a shooting script if you don't mind.

-Yes, the script.

-The script must be right for madam.

Give me the script.

All right, I'll read it to you, "Fade in.

Madam is standing there holding a can of Knock 'Em Dead insecticide.

-She's in the bedroom."

-Yes, with my lover.

(Max) No, madam, you are with a bedbug.

-Uh, that's our trademark.

-Bedbug?

(Howard) Yeah, trademark, Billy Bedbug.

(Nora) Bedbug?

You expect Nora Desmond to appear in a film with a bedbug?

Never!

Unless, of course, my name goes above the bedbug.

(Howard) Well, I don't think we can handle that.

You see, he's done about 60 of these commercials.

(Max) The bedbug will get second billing!

(Howard) Yes, he's very reasonable too, we can talk to him on that.

(Nora) Max, introduce me to my new leading man.

(Max) Do you have the bedbug with you?

(Howard) Yes.

Yeah, Billy, yeah.

(Max) All right, introduce him to madam.

-Introduce him?

-Introduce him to madam.

(Howard) I...

Right, you got it.

Hang on.

Um, Billy, this is Nora Desmond.

Ms. Desmond, Billy.

-You may kiss my hand.

-Kiss her hand.

(mouth clicking) -Give him to me.

-Careful now.

He's pretty valuable.

-What's his name?

-Billy.

Billy!

Hello, Billy.

You will be my new leading man.

You and I will become America's sweethearts, Billy.

I will make you rich and famous.

You will be driven and chauffeured, driven in limousines.

You will have wild parties and women will throw themselves at your little legs.

We will be lovers.

But, then, one night, one night you will come home and you will tell me that you're in love with another woman!

How dare you!

How dare you do this to me after all I've done for you!

(squishing) (audience laughing) Oh, Max!

-Ma--Max.

-Billy.

-Max!

-Billy.

Max!

(audience laughing) Max... Get me another leading man, Max!

(Max) At once, madam.

-You will play the bedbug.

-Huh?

Oh, no, wait a minute, I'm not in the union.

We have a cockroach back at the office.

(Max) Down on the floor, bedbug!

We must prepare, madam.

Let's get the set ready.

-Lights!

-Lights.

-Camera!

-Camera.

-We're all set!

-Yes.

(Max) All right, I'm ready to shoot the scene where you kill the belbek-- the bedbug!

(Nora) I'll kill the belbed and the bedbug.

Yes, I will, I know!

-All right, action!

-I will rid friends of this bedbug!

(Howard) Cut, cut.

(Nora) Yes, I shall!

(Howard) Ahh, a-ha, a-ha.

Oh, ah, she did.

-How was I, Max?

-Bravo, madam!

Ah!

(audience laughing) (applause) -I'm so sorry, Max.

-It's all right, madam.

(Nora) Oh!

(audience laughing) The Academy Award!

I want to thank all the little people who helped me win this Oscar, but none more so than my beloved director, Max!

Hello.

Who are you?

(horn music) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Pearl Bailey.

(applause) (gentle music) ♪ (applause) ♪ Where is love ♪ ♪ ♪ Does it fall from skies above ♪ ♪ ♪ Is it under the willow tree ♪ ♪ ♪ I've been dreaming of ♪ ♪ ♪ I wonder where is he ♪ ♪ ♪ That I close my eyes to see ♪ ♪ ♪ Am I gonna know that sweet hello ♪ ♪ ♪ That's only meant for me ♪ ♪ ♪ Where, where, where is he gonna hide ♪ ♪ ♪ Will I travel far and wide ♪ ♪ ♪ Till I lay beside ♪ ♪ That someone who ♪ ♪ ♪ I can feel closer to ♪ ♪ ♪ Where ♪ ♪ ♪ Where ♪ ♪ Where is my love ♪ ♪ ♪ Every night I kneel and pray ♪ ♪ ♪ Tomorrow ♪ ♪ Let tomorrow be the day ♪ ♪ ♪ There's that face ♪ ♪ Of someone who ♪ ♪ ♪ I can feel ♪ ♪ ♪ Closer to ♪ ♪ ♪ Where ♪ ♪ Where ♪ ♪ Oh, where's my love ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause) (triumphant music) ♪ (thumping) ♪ -You, slave!

-Ah!

(slave driver) You've got to keep up with the others.

Our speed is 120 beats a minute.

(slave) I can't do it alone.

I haven't had a partner since Brutus the Giant left.

(slave driver) Don't worry about it.

I've got a replacement for Brutus.

Throw down the new man!

(groaning) (audience laughing) (oldest man) ♪ By the sea, by the sea ♪ ♪ By the beautiful sea ♪ ♪ You and me, you and me ♪ (unintelligible singing) Is this B3?

(groaning) (slave driver) Hold your foot still, slave.

Gonna chain you two together.

Hi, I'm a leper.

(audience laughing) It's all right.

It doesn't bother me.

Now, I believe you only go around in life once so grab all the gusto you can get.

(snoring) (slave) You're gonna be my partner?

(oldest man) Right, can I sit by the window?

I... -Thank you.

-Okay.

(audience laughing) (oldest man) Thank you.

(slave) Like a seat with a view, do ya?

Okay.

All right.

What?

Is that better?

(oldest man) No, those waves going up and down make me... (retching, groaning) (slave) All right, just come back over here.

Easily, old-timer.

-Easy.

-Don't look out there.

(slave) Okay, there we go.

That's it.

Okay, old-timer.

-Hi, boys.

-And... And ready?

And heave.

(audience laughing) East!

East!

(oldest man) East.

Oh, east!

I can only row west.

I should be on the other side.

(slave) You have to get around.

Hurry, before we get flogged.

Hurry, turn around.

That's it.

And heave.

(oldest man) You won't believe this.

(slave) What's the matter, old-timer?

Anything you can talk about?

-No.

-All right, here we go.

Here we go.

All right.

Now our pace has to be 120 beats a minute.

(oldest man) Right.

(spitting) Wait a minute.

-I'll set the pace.

-Okay.

(spitting) (audience laughing) -I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

Never mind, old-timer.

-I almost had it too.

-Yeah.

All right.

Hurry, before we get flogged.

-Set the pace.

-You got it.

Stroke!

I'm having a stroke.

(slave) Let me have it, let me have this.

And one, and two, and three, and four.

(audience laughing) Come on, get with it, old-timer.

Come on, get with it.

And one, and two.

(slave driver) Lunch.

-Oh, I'm starved.

-Wait a minute!

You know the rules.

New men eat first.

You've got 30 seconds for lunch.

(oldest man) He's good.

Oh.

(groans) (audience laughing) (applause) (slave driver) Lunch hour is over.

Now back to work!

Faster, slave!

(oldest man) Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We aren't gonna have to do this any longer.

I got a--I got a plan.

Come here.

Here's what it is.

(audience laughing) I made a key.

-Shh.

-Yeah, well, I made this, Took me over 20 years.

Made it out of an old cannonball.

I made two others, but they blew up.

(audience laughing) Right.

Are you with me?

(slave) I've been on this ship for 25 years.

This is my last day.

Tomorrow, I'm a free man.

I don't want any part of it.

(oldest man) Hell, I'm going.

I'll get it.

(crunching) (yelling) (groans) (slave driver) A key, huh?

(oldest man) Ah, you speak Spanish.

(audience laughing) You know what happens to slaves that try to escape.

-Huh?

-You come with me.

(clanking) Throw him overboard!

(slave) Boy, I'm glad to get rid of him.

No!

No, no, no!

The chain!

No, no!

Unlock the chain!

I'm innocent!

I've only got one more day!

No!

(horn music) (applause) (funky horn music) ♪ Um, if you'll just hold on for a moment.

Nurse, will you send in Miss Collins, please?

I'll have to call you back later, darling.

(Miss Collins) Oh, hello, doctor.

-I'm Miss Collins.

-Uh-huh, well, I'm Dr. Lambert, and I'm so glad that you could come, Miss Collins.

Now I want you to sit right down, we'll talk.

(Miss Collins) Yes, but I do feel that I should explain.

You see, I wanted to see a woman psychiatrist because I have this problem and it's very difficult -for me to talk about.

-I know, but you sit right down, Miss Collins.

I want you to talk to me.

I want you to say every word you want to say because I'm a marvelous listener.

That is part of my--well, part of my business, it's my whole life.

You're in the right place, dear, and you can tell me anything that's on your mind.

I want you to think of me as, well, think of me just like your own mother.

Now go right on, darling.

Now, please.

Oh, God, are you afraid?

You're so afraid of people.

You mustn't be afraid, honey, because I'm here to help you, and help you is exactly what I'm going to do.

-Well, it all started... -Now do you believe I'm going to help you?

-Yes.

-Of course.

But, honey, you keep interrupting when I'm trying to listen to you.

If you didn't think I was trying to help you, where would I be, honey?

-I would be nowhere.

-Nowhere.

(Dr. Lambert) Yeah, but I must have my location.

I have to pay rent for this place.

Now you just talk to me, honey.

(Miss Collins) Yes, well, you see, it all started... (Dr. Lambert) It's--you have to start to have an ending, dear.

I'm trying to help you.

Spit it out, baby.

(spitting) (Miss Collins) It all... -Well, you see... -On my clean floor.

Just talk, don't be nasty to the place.

-When it first started... -Honey, honey, I'm losing you someplace.

I tell you, you're not talking.

You're not talking and that's the point.

Can't you see I want to help you?

-You look in my eyes.

-Your eyes?

(Dr. Lambert) Not my eyeglasses, my eyes.

Look in 'em.

Can't you see I want to help you?

Please don't stare.

You talk and you stare.

Dear heart, I'm trying to draw you out.

(Miss Collins) Yes, well, I think you want to help me, yes.

-Did you say you think?

-Yes.

(Dr. Lambert) Well, can you imagine?

I--you have come in my place to think.

You have no right to come in here and think, darling.

I am the thinker, I want you to talk.

How can you think?

How can I help these poor, defenseless souls when they never talk to me?

Dear heart, you are supposed to talk and then I will get it across.

-Now say something.

-I'm sure you want to help!

(Dr. Lambert) You mustn't scream, you must really talk.

Yes, indeed.

Now let it all hang out.

Whatever it is, hang it out, but let me hear you.

(Miss Collins) My problem is a man.

(Dr. Lambert) I knew it.

I knew it, well, why didn't you say all that in the first place?

You have got a problem, honey.

♪ A good man is hard to find ♪ ♪ You always get the other kind ♪ (Miss Collins) He was much younger than I was.

(Dr. Lambert) ♪ Just when you think he's your pal ♪ (Miss Collins) And then, all of a sudden, I caught him in the cloakroom with our teacher.

(Dr. Lambert) ♪ Then you rave ♪ ♪ You'll even pray ♪ ♪ You want to see him ♪ ♪ I know it feels ♪ ♪ Honey, you gotta see him in his grave ♪ Now where is she?

Listen.

♪ But if your man is nice ♪ ♪ Take my advice ♪ ♪ Hug him in the mornin' ♪ ♪ Oh, kiss him in the night ♪ ♪ Give him lovin' ♪ Are you still here, darling?

♪ Because a good man nowadays ♪ ♪ I tell you he's hard to find ♪ (Miss Collins) ♪ I got to hook one ♪ ♪ It's time I took one ♪ ♪ You got to hug him in the morning ♪ (Dr. Lambert) Let me tell you, baby.

(Miss Collins) ♪ Kiss him every night ♪ ♪ Give him plenty of lovin', baby ♪ ♪ Treat him right ♪ ♪ 'Cause a good man nowadays ♪ ♪ Is hard to find ♪ (unintelligible) (Dr. Lambert) Oh, I tell you this is more than my heart can stand and they hit me, doctor.

They strike me.

Doc, I...

When--when--when can I come to see you again?

(Miss Collins) Well, I tell you what, why don't we make it the same appointment this time next week and you and I can do "My Mama Done Told Me."

(Dr. Lambert) Oh, you're sweet!

♪ (applause) (fanfare music) ♪ Oh, Mr. Huntington, I'm Mrs. Cleavinger.

You've got to help me, you've got to!

I didn't kill my husband.

I didn't kill him!

They're accusing me of killing him, but I didn't do it!

I loved him!

Oh, please, please say you'll take my case!

(Mr. Huntington) I'm sorry, Mrs. Cleavinger, I have to go to court.

-I'm late already.

-Oh, well, in that case, I'll come back tomorrow.

(Mr. Huntington) Now wait, wait.

Why don't you talk to my partner, F. Lee Bunny?

This case is right up his alley.

(Mrs. Cleavinger) F. Lee Bunny?

I've never heard of him.

(Mr. Huntington) Oh, he's a brilliant attorney.

He has one of the keenest legal minds in the country.

(Mrs. Cleavinger) Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to him.

(Mr. Huntington) Good, you won't be sorry.

Excuse me.

-Uh, Lee?

-Yes?

(Mr. Huntington) There's a Miss Cleavinger to see you.

-Oh, the murderess?

-Right.

(Lee) Yes, send her in.

-Right this way.

-Oh, thank you very much.

I really appreciate this, Mr. Huntington.

-Thank you ever so much.

-You're welcome.

Um, Mr. Bunny, are you here?

(Lee) Uh, yes, be with you in a moment.

Have a seat, won't you, please?

I dropped my pencil here.

Mr. Bunny, they think I killed my husband, but I really didn't kill him.

I've been accused of murder, but I loved my husband.

I didn't... (audience laughing) I'm sorry, I was just going over a case here.

The Gro-Mac versus the state of Michigan.

Are you familiar with the case?

-You're a rabbit.

-Yes.

Yes, it's quite similar to Tyler versus Davidson.

We handled Davidson in that case, we're... (audience laughing) ...hoping for the same decision in this one.

-You're a bunny rabbit.

-Yes, yes.

Yeah, well, my name is right on the door.

(audience laughing) (Mrs. Cleavinger) F. Lee Bunny.

What does the "F" stand for?

(audience laughing) -Fluffy.

-Fluffy.

Fluffy Lee Bunny.

Oh, can I ask you something?

-Yes.

-How can a rabbit be a lawyer?

(Lee) Well, it isn't easy.

I actually went through four years of law school, and then I had to go to premed and everything... To law school and then I got a scholarship to the, uh... (audience laughing) Excuse me.

My dad was a good lawyer, too, but, unfortunately, when he went to law school, it was in the early '20s and he had to, um... (crunching) ...leave to support the family.

(yelps) (Mrs. Cleavinger) A large family, I presume.

(Lee) Well, yes, I hope you're not generalizing, though.

And I was the only boy in the family, so, um... (Mrs. Cleavinger) I'm sitting here talking to a rabbit about his family.

(Lee) ...law school.

And so I went to Yale, and...

I took up law there, and, uh... (audience laughing) (laughing continues) ...got a scholarship.

Would you like to see a picture of the graduating class?

-I'd love to.

-Be right with you.

(boinging) Over here, see I'm the third from the left, top row.

-The rabbit.

-Yeah.

(Mrs. Cleavinger) Your father must be very proud of you.

(Lee) Yes, well, he would have been, but unfortunately, just before graduation he was killed in a hunting accident.

(Mrs. Cleavinger) Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

(audience laughing) (Lee) Well, it's all right, I'm over it now.

Well, let's get on to your case now.

(Mrs. Cleavinger) Yes, I guess we might as well hop to it.

I'm sorry.

-All right.

-Well, now, don't get me wrong, Mr. Bunny, but actually, I am a little concerned.

Now I'm not prejudiced or anything like that, but it does concern me slightly that you are a rabbit and perhaps you might fold under the pressure of a courtroom trial.

(Lee) Well, I can see how you would feel like that.

After all, I mean...

If you, um... (audience laughing) ...feel that possibly I couldn't handle the case, well, then, I mean, that's an entirely different story.

However, I am perfectly-- -Carrot?

-No, thank you.

(crunching) But I feel that this decision is up to you.

Mr. Bunny, I've made up my mind.

I have faith in you.

You can represent me.

Oh, thank you very much.

I appreciate it, really.

This is my first murder case.

Yahoo!

(boinging) Th--th--that's all, folks.

(applause) (horn music) ♪ (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show and our salute to 20th Century Fox following station identification.

♪ (soft music) Now it's time once again for a segment of our show that we all look forward to doing, the tribute to a Hollywood movie studio, and, tonight, we salute 20th Century Fox.

Throughout the years, 20th has brought us such outstanding films as Cleopatra, The Hustler, and The Snake Pit.

(majestic music) And one of the greatest box-office successes of all time was Fox's charming, delightful, Academy Award winner, starring my friend, Julie Andrews, The Sound of Music.

(grunting) (Hans) Come on, get him!

Grab his leg!

(Captain von Trapp) Children.

Children!

I want you to meet your new nanny.

(Maria) Hello, children!

My name is Maria, and I do hope to be your friend.

-I'm Vaughn.

-Oh, hello.

-I'm Gretl.

-Hello.

-I'm Kurt.

-Hello.

-I'm Liesl.

-Hello.

-I'm Hans.

-Hello.

(Captain von Trapp) They're mischievous.

They're mischievous tykes, and there's so much to be done, Maria.

They must be taught their lessons, their clothes must be mended, and they've set fire to the baroness which must be put out immediately.

What are you going to do first?

(Maria) What else?

I'm going to sing.

(uplifting music) ♪ Do, a deer, a female deer ♪ ♪ Re, a drop of golden sun ♪ ♪ Mi, a name I call myself ♪ ♪ Fa, a long, long way to run ♪ ♪ You're gonna love your mama every night ♪ ♪ Or you can't love your mama at all ♪ (jazz music) (applause) (soft music) (Carol) In 1956, Fox gave us Love Me Tender, a Civil War epic that introduced Elvis Presley to the screen and we heard him speak for the first time.

Elvis played the Confederate lad who comforts his dying brother.

♪ (groaning) (grunting) Clint, one of them Yankee bullets got me.

-Uh-huh.

-I'm dyin'.

(grunts) -Say that again.

-Hey, Clint, you're gonna be head of the family now.

Speak to me, boy.

(gibberish) (brother) I'm glad, I'm glad, Clint.

I want you to promise me you'll get revenge on them Yankees.

(gibberish) ...suede shoes.

(brother) Clint, everything is getting dark.

I'm going fast.

Look, before I die, I want you to sing me that song I like to hear so much.

(gibberish) (guitar strumming) (Clint) ♪ You ain't nothin' but a hound dog ♪ (gibberish, thumping) (audience laughing) (gibberish) (horn music) (applause) (soft music) In 1940, a Brazilian lady began to dazzle movie audiences with her dynamic talent.

She always wore a tutti-frutti hat and high platform-soled shoes.

And it wasn't long before every small nightclub did its own version of a Carmen Miranda number.

(lively music) ♪ (tongue trilling) ♪ (Carmen) ♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, I like you very much ♪ ♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, I think you're grand ♪ ♪ Why, why, why is it that when I feel your touch ♪ ♪ My heart starts to beat to beat the band ♪ (all) ♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, I like you to hold me tight ♪ ♪ You are too, too, too, too divine ♪ ♪ If you want to be in someone's arms tonight ♪ (Carmen) ♪ Just be sure the arms you're in are mine ♪ ♪ I like your hips, and I like your eyes ♪ ♪ Would you like my hips to hypnotize you ♪ (all) ♪ See, see, see, see, see, see, see the moon above ♪ ♪ Way, way, way, way up in the blue ♪ ♪ Si, si, si, senor, I think I fall in love ♪ (Carmen) ♪ And when I fall, I think I fall for you ♪ ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ ♪ Ay, yi, yi, yi ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Si, si, si, si ♪ -♪ Ay, yi, yi, yi ♪ -♪ Si, si, si, si ♪ (Carmen) ♪ That you're for me ♪ (applause) (dramatic music) (announcer) In 1956, 20th Century Fox presented Ingrid Bergman and Helen Hayes in the movie Anastasia, the story of the mysterious search for the long-lost child of the tsar of Russia.

♪ (Bounine) Empress, there is another applicant outside who seeks an audience with you.

She claims to be the Princess Anastasia, your granddaughter.

Nonsense, Bounine.

The real princess was killed by a Bolshevik firing squad along with the rest of the family.

(Bounine) But she claims to have escaped.

She said she is the daughter of the actual tsar.

(empress) How crazy!

(gibberish) -I'm sorry, empress.

-You better be.

-I lost my head.

-She is an imposter.

They're all after the family fortune, every one of them.

(Bounine) But, surely, an imposter could not fool you, Grand Imperial Highness.

Shall I let her in?

Yeah, you're right, she couldn't fool me.

All right, let her in.

I promise I'll keep an open mind.

Come in, imposter!

(female speaker) Hello, Grandmama.

(shouting, gibberish) (empress) Don't you dare call me that.

I'm not your grandmother.

(female speaker) But I am the Princess Anastasia.

-You got any proof?

-Yes.

This letter is addressed to me.

-Your name is "occupant"?

-Oh.

Here, think.

Haven't you ever seen me before?

(empress) Wait a minute.

Yes!

On a margarine commercial.

Get out of here!

(female speaker) But I am the Princess Anastasia, the daughter of the tsar, your own flesh and blood!

-Get out!

-Ah!

Schlep all the way over from Brooklyn for nothin'.

Go figure.

(audience laughing) There is one more girl outside who claims to be the Princess Anastasia.

She asked me to give you a message.

-What message?

-She said to tell you that Nicki loved Figgy and that Katie found Rasputin after Tutu was found in an affair with Trotsky who gave the family jewels to Googi.

(empress) Ah!

Those names.

All those scandals.

Only one person in the world knows those names, but no.

No, it couldn't be.

Think it could be?

Oh, maybe it is.

I'd know her immediately.

-Send her in.

-Yes, yes.

(empress) Send her in.

(Bounine) Come in, mystery guest.

♪ (audience laughing) ♪ Is it possible?

Could it be?

(empress) Bounine, she's the closest one yet.

Why, she's got the same posture and the same bearing and even the same theme music.

I've got to make sure.

Come closer, my child.

Closer.

Closer.

That's close enough.

What's your name?

(Ruby) I'm Princess Anastasia, Nikola Romanov baby.

Papa was Tsar Nicholas and Mama was Alexandra.

(empress) And who am I?

(Ruby) You're Nana.

-Oh!

-Oh, Nana!

(empress) That ring!

Where'd you get that ring?

(Ruby) Kiev High School, June 1913.

(empress) That's the same high school she went to.

(Ruby) Yes, I even remember the cheer.

Yes.

Give me a "K," give me an "I," give me an "E," give me a "V." Kiev!

Yes!

That was all, Grandma.

(empress) That wasn't bad.

I got to find out if she's the real Anastasia.

And, now, for the supreme test.

There is a strange, rare disease that afflicts every member of the royal family.

-No.

-I'm gonna nick you with this sword to see if you have the royal blood.

(Ruby) No, don't do that, I'll die.

(empress) Anastasia, it is you!

-Yeah.

-It is you!

You have that rare family trait!

(Ruby) Oh, what, Grandma?

(empress) We're all chicken.

(audience laughing) I found my real granddaughter.

Oh, now, don't just stand there, Anastasia.

You're gonna help Grandma with the castle, aren't ya?

You're gonna sweep the floors, and dust the furniture, and do the windows.

-What'd you say, Grandma?

-Do the windows, yeah.

(Ruby) Oh, no, baby, I don't do no windows for my own grandmother.

Who is this broad?

I don't want that.

My name is Ruby.

(horn music) ♪ (applause) (jazz music) ♪ (all) ♪ Oh, my honey ♪ ♪ Oh, my honey ♪ ♪ Better hurry and let's meander ♪ (Pearl) ♪ 'Cause we're goin' ♪ (Carol and Vicki) ♪ Yes, we're goin' to the leader man ♪ (Pearl) ♪ You mean the ragged meter man ♪ (all) ♪ Oh, my honey ♪ ♪ Oh, my honey ♪ ♪ Gonna take you to Alexander's grandstand brass band ♪ ♪ You better hurry along ♪ ♪ (Pearl) ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ Come on and hear Alexander's ragtime band ♪ ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ It's the best band in the land ♪ ♪ They can play a bugle call, Carol, you never heard before ♪ (Carol and Vicki) ♪ So natural that you're gonna yell for more ♪ (all) ♪ That's just the bestest band what am ♪ ♪ Honey lamb ♪ (Pearl) ♪ Come on along ♪ ♪ Come on along ♪ ♪ Let me take you by the hand ♪ ♪ Up to the man ♪ ♪ Up to the man that's the leader of the band ♪ (all) ♪ And if you want to hear that Swanee River played in ragtime ♪ (Carol and Vicki) ♪ Come on and hear ♪ (Pearl) ♪ Come on and hear ♪ -♪ Come on and hear ♪ -♪ Oh, let's hear ♪ (all) ♪ Alexander's ragtime band ♪ ♪ (applause) ♪ (Pearl) Careful, boys.

Oh, yeah.

(soft-shoe tapping) ♪ (applause) ♪ Going around in a minute.

♪ (applause) (ensemble) ♪ Hear that rhythm, let's get with 'em ♪ (Carol, Pearl, and Vicki) ♪ Alexander's ragtime band ♪ ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ It's the best band in the land ♪ ♪ And if you want to hear that Swanee River played in ragtime ♪ (all) ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ Come on and hear ♪ ♪ Alexander's ragtime band ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause) Remember, if pollution is here to stay, we're in a lot of trouble.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started, and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ ♪ (applause) ♪ (bright music)